I Can Make This Promise Read online

  Dedication

  For the grandmothers and

  mothers who came before me.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Prologue: Where Are You From?

  1. The Big Bang

  2. The Boy in the War Zone

  3. Three’s Company

  4. A Stranger So Familiar

  5. E for Edith, E for Me

  6. Origins

  7. Golden Gardens

  8. The Computer

  9. Flip

  10. The Gap

  11. Do They Hurt?

  12. The Box

  13. Uncle Phil’s Birthday Party

  14. Under Attack

  15. What’s Her Name?

  16. The Method

  17. Give Her a Chance

  18. Pulling Away

  19. The Butt of a Bad Joke

  20. Say a Prayer for Them

  21. And Move On

  22. The Most Shocking Thing of All

  23. Little Bun

  24. Pickle Juice

  25. An Other in Your Own Family

  26. The Ferry

  27. Old Man House

  28. Please, Come In

  29. The Necessary Small Talk

  30. What Mom Tells Me

  31. What Happened Next

  32. Split-Feather Syndrome

  33. Directly Across the Sea

  34. A Salmon Going Upstream

  Epilogue: Where Are You Going?

  Author’s Note

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Prologue

  Where Are You From?

  I never thought of myself as “different” until my first day of kindergarten.

  I remember round tables with flimsy tops, plastic chairs with shiny metal legs. Books and stuffed animals were gathered around a fake tree in the reading corner. Cloud-shaped mobiles hung from the ceiling, strands of paper raindrops suspended in midair. A bright yellow sun was painted across one wall. The alphabet was spelled out in a rainbow of uppercase letters.

  My classmates already seemed to know each other. Everyone was talking and laughing and shouting. I was one of the tallest people in the room, but I felt invisible. I didn’t know how to join the conversations, the noise. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to.

  Mrs. Vespucci saw me, hovering near the classroom door. She hurried over and knelt before me. Her smile revealed straight, white teeth. She reminded me of a fairy-tale princess. Her voice was like a melody, her hair like spun gold. I imagined her singing lullabies to an audience of fawns and bluebirds.

  “Hello, Edith.”

  A jolt of surprise, before I remembered my name tag. A school-issued lanyard was looped around my neck, clipped to a laminated square: Edith with an illustrated elephant. E for elephant, E for me.

  “Wow.” The teacher’s grin widened as she stared at my face. “What are you?”

  I told her, “I’m Edie.”

  “Oh, Edie? That’s your preferred name? Where are you from, sweetheart? You’re such a pretty girl.”

  “I live in Seattle.”

  “Yes, that’s true. But where are you originally from?”

  “Seattle?”

  Mrs. Vespucci laughed, but I wasn’t sure what was funny. “Do you know where your parents lived before they came here?”

  Her questions made me feel panicked. This was my first test, and somehow, I was failing. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t understand what she was asking. I didn’t know what she wanted from me.

  I’ve gotten the question a lot since then: “What are you? Where are you from?”

  What am I?

  My father is American, and my mother is Native American.

  Technically, Dad has roots in Germany, England, and Wales. But I don’t mention this, because it feels dishonest. I’ve never visited these places. I don’t know much about them. I’m not even sure where they are in the European continent.

  So I just say Dad is American. Which works out fine, because no one asks about him anyways. They jump straight to Mom. They want to know what it means to be Native American.

  They ask me what tribe I’m from. They ask if I know what buffalo tastes like. They ask about my spiritual beliefs. They ask about the percentages and ratios of my blood.

  My answer remains the same: “I don’t really know. My mom was adopted.”

  1.

  The Big Bang

  July 4

  Fireworks are banned in my neighborhood. There are too many trees, too many houses. So this year for the Fourth of July, my parents are taking me to the Tulalip reservation, about twenty miles north of the city. They sell all kinds of fireworks, and they have a huge field where you can set them off. This place is crowded and colorful and chaotic. It’s amazing.

  My parents lead the way to the booths. There’s a food truck parked beside the big gravel lot, selling authentic Mexican tacos. The smell of cooked, seasoned meat fills the air, mixing with the peppery gunpowder from all the fireworks. I can practically feel it, in little flecks of grime all over my skin.

  Mom asks, “Do you need these, Edie?” She opens her palm, revealing a little package of earplugs.

  I shake my head. “I’m okay, thanks.”

  The booths are set up in several rows. The nearest one is decorated with red, white, and blue streamers, and a huge banner that shouts “FIREWORKS” in bold letters. The booth across from it is lime green, with little alien heads and UFOs outlined all over it in black paint. Another is hot pink, with candy-colored rockets arranged in bouquets on its counter. The next is blue, with the Seattle Seahawks logo stenciled in stark white and silver, plus the number 12; the 1 is shaped like the Space Needle.

  I like this graffiti. I like the bright colors, the bold lines. I wonder if they created drawings and stencils first, or if they just grabbed their cans of spray paint and improvised. I also wonder if they keep sketchbooks, or have favorite places to draw, like I do. I’m always curious about other artists and their habits, their unfinished drafts, their inspirations.

  As we keep moving, I can’t help but drink it all in. I’ve never been to a reservation before. Each person I make eye contact with feels significant. It’s possible some of them are distant relatives. I could be walking past cousins or aunties right now, and I wouldn’t even know it.

  A rock-and-roll version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” starts blaring out of nowhere, and I glance around myself, trying to find the speakers. But as the loud electric guitar mimics the sounds of “O say, can you see?” I instead notice a food vendor with signs that say they have traditional Native American fry bread.

  I stop and stare. The line is huge. The menu is handwritten on a whiteboard. An ice-filled cooler contains sodas and bottled lemonades. There are two open counters—one where you pay, one where you wait for your order. I watch as a girl receives her food. The fry bread is a rumpled, golden-brown disk, served on a paper plate. It almost looks like an elephant ear.

  As the guitar transitions to a choppy “What so proudly we hailed—” something knocks into the backs of my legs. I stumble and turn around. A dog peers up at me with watery, bloodshot eyes. He’s panting hard, and his fur is mangy, but he looks happy. Surprisingly calm. I thought all dogs hated fireworks, but he doesn’t seem to mind the noise, the chaos. He just looks a little lost.

  I extend my hand to him. “Hi, puppy.”

  He lifts his big nose. Sniffs my fingers. Pushes his snout against my palm. His tail wags ferociously as he inches closer.

  “That’s a good boy,” I say. “You’re a good boy.”

  I check his neck, but he isn’t we
aring a collar.

  I glance around. Cash registers chime, and shouts of laughter are eclipsed by a huge boom. Shoes crunch across the gravel. A group of men walk by in mismatched basketball jerseys. A teenager adjusts her sunglasses; her colorful, beaded bracelets slide down her brown forearm. A guy with two long, dark braids is wearing a Batman tank top. A toddler is mid-meltdown, hands clamped over her ears, face crumpled as she cries out.

  “Poor thing,” I murmur. I stroke the dog’s head, distracted. “Where’s your owner?”

  The rock-and-roll version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” is no longer recognizable. The guitar riffs have dissolved into wails. It doesn’t sound like “O’er the ramparts we watched.” It doesn’t sound like anything. Just crashing notes and frantic energy.

  I turn in the other direction, and an older woman catches my gaze and holds it. She’s seated on a stool at the edge of the crowd. Her T-shirt bears the message “Find Our Missing Girls.” Huh. I wonder what that’s about.

  “Edie?” Mom’s voice cuts in through the blaring guitar and blasting fireworks. “What are you doing?” She places her hand on my shoulder and gently steers me away. “Honey, you can’t pet random dogs like that. It’s not safe. Look at how big he is. He might hurt you.”

  Dad’s behind her. “Your mother’s right. I know he’s cute, but you need to be careful.”

  “But he’s alone,” I say. “Shouldn’t we help him find his way home?”

  “Someone will come along for him,” Mom says, and I can barely hear her as the guitar screeches. “Don’t worry.”

  She tugs me away, but I look back. The dog sits in the middle of the walkway. His ears perk up, and his tongue lolls out of the corner of his mouth as he watches me leave.

  We stop at a booth called the Big Bang. The words are spelled out in a swollen graffiti font. The letters are big and puffy and white, and they remind me of squished marshmallows. A brown-skinned teenager stands behind the counter. He’s wearing a white tank top, and has a little barbell pierced through his eyebrow.

  He grins, as if he’s genuinely happy to see us.

  “Afternoon, folks.” He flicks his chin up in greeting. “How’s it going?”

  Dad nods in response. “We’re doing well, thank you.”

  A short silence follows as we look around his booth. The top shelf holds the biggest boxes, encased in glossy wrappers. Their labels alternate between sounding patriotic and menacing: “Rocket’s Red Glare.” “American Outlaw.” “Rolling Thunder.” “Sabotage.” The lower shelves contain smaller boxes and open trays of fireworks.

  “Where you guys from?” he asks.

  “We live in Seattle,” Mom answers.

  “Ah.” He nods, understanding. “That urban life. You like it out there?”

  Mom smiles. “Most of the time.”

  “Good, good. Glad to hear.” He drums his hands on the countertop. “So what kinds of fireworks are you looking for?”

  “I know we want some sparklers, some Roman candles. Maybe a fountain or two?”

  “All right.” He turns to his lowest shelf and grabs two trays, tilting them forward to reveal their contents. “I have these two kinds,” he says. One tray is filled with bundles of slender gray-brown sticks. The other has bundles of hot pink sparklers; the top half of each one is wrapped in dyed magenta-yellow-teal tissue paper and laced with a gold ribbon.

  We pick the pretty ones, then select some Roman candles and two stubby fountains. The boy places a long cardboard box on the counter before us and starts piling our stuff inside it.

  “Anything else?”

  Both my parents look at me. And the boy does, too. I feel heat rise in my cheeks. I go rigid under their scrutiny.

  “Edie?” Mom asks. Her voice is gentle, a half whisper at most.

  I glance at the shelves and shrug, feeling awkward. I wish she wouldn’t have said anything. I hate being put on the spot in front of strangers.

  The boy snaps his fingers. “Here,” he says. “How ’bout this?”

  He crouches behind the counter. I can hear the scrape of crates sliding across the ground. He straightens back up and stands directly across from me, smiling.

  “Ever seen one of these before?” He holds up a cylinder, wrapped in a turquoise label. It has a black platform on one end. Its fuse pops out the top like a little red tongue.

  I shake my head.

  “Really?” He sets it down on the counter. Taps it with his finger. “That’s too bad,” he says. “These guys are my favorites, out of everything I’ve got here. That’s why I keep ’em hidden. They’re reserved for special people.” He winks, and now I’m certain my face is all red and splotchy.

  “What is it?” I mumble, hoping he’ll stop looking at me.

  He slides the firework across the counter. “A gift,” he says. “A surprise.”

  I inspect the wrapper, hesitating.

  “Go on,” he urges. “Take it.”

  I accept the firework and hold it close against my chest.

  “Thank you,” Mom says, her voice brimming with gratitude. She retrieves her wallet from the depths of her purse. “How much do I owe you?”

  “Twenty-four fifty.”

  Dad hoists the box into his arms and frowns. “That’s a bit low, isn’t it?”

  “It’s all good.” The boy inclines his head toward me. “Little sister’s is on the house.”

  My parents protest. They want to pay him the full amount, but he waves their offer away.

  He says, “Don’t worry about it. Just take care of yourselves out there.” And he sounds like he really means it.

  2.

  The Boy in the War Zone

  July 4

  It’s like a war zone out here in the field.

  Whistling fireworks shriek across the sky, long tails of light streaking behind them like shooting stars. The big ones shoot out of their boxes with hollow thumps and explode with echoing claps that set off car alarms. Fountains erupt in glittering sparks, hissing softly as they stand stationary on the ground. The whole meadow is littered with knocked-over tubes and blackened boxes, empty shells that are still venting plumes. The air is smoky and filled with flying bits of debris; there’s so much of it, it’s almost difficult to breathe.

  We’ve already gone through the entire box. We’re standing a respectful distance away from other people. Thickets of trees line the field’s perimeter. An explosion goes off, perilously close to a cluster of dry-looking leaves and branches. I swallow and return my attention to our fountain as it huffs blue smoke and embers. Within moments, it fizzles out in a dwindling orange flame.

  Dad’s hand grazes my shoulder. “Is it time for your mystery firework?”

  I nod. “Can I be the one to light it?”

  My parents exchange glances. Mom shrugs and nods, granting her permission. Dad says, “Sure. I don’t see why not.”

  He leads me to the spot where our fountain burned out. I set the firework on the ground, and Dad retrieves the lighter from his pocket as we both crouch.

  “Just be careful with your fingers,” he says. “Don’t tilt the flame toward your knuckles. And once the fuse is lit, be sure to back away quick.”

  “I’m twelve,” I tell him. “Not two. Stop worrying so much.”

  He laughs. “Yeah, well. I guess I should be grateful you even asked. When I was your age, I don’t think I waited for permission to do anything. Especially when it came to fireworks.”

  I can’t help but smirk. Dad’s stories often fit into one of two categories: he either talks about Boy Scouts, Little League, and his top grades in math and science; or he talks about mischief, the pranks he used to pull, the hospital trips when daring stunts didn’t go well.

  It’s hard to imagine that some of his stories really happened. But maybe that’s because I’ve only known him since he became a dad.

  He hands me the lighter, and I throw a quick glance at Mom. She responds with one of her warmest smiles. The kind that makes her pupils shine
and her eyes crinkle around the corners.

  Mom doesn’t share many of her childhood memories. She doesn’t have endless nostalgic stories like Dad does. I know she was smart and shy and liked to read books. I know she and Uncle Phil didn’t get along until they were teenagers. I know she was a writer for her high school’s newspaper. But that’s pretty much it.

  “Well?” Dad says. “What are you waiting for?”

  I light the fuse. We both stand and back away swiftly. His arm crosses in front of me protectively. Mom’s warm hands grip my shoulders as we watch the fuse disintegrate into nothing.

  It goes off with a small pop! Something shoots up and out of it, so fast it’s just a blur. I throw my head back, amazed by how high it goes, how far it flies.

  “What is it?” I cry.

  Mom gives my shoulders a reassuring squeeze. “Just wait. You’ll see.”

  It’s hanging in the sky, floating weightlessly. It isn’t burning or shooting sparks. It isn’t like any of the other fireworks.

  I gasp. “It’s a parachute.”

  It looks like a tiny hot-air balloon. It’s striped: turquoise and white. It flutters and flaps as it sails toward the earth, coming down in a diagonal line, heading toward—

  The open field.

  Horrified, I break free of my mother’s grasp.

  “Edie!”

  Before she can say anything else, I’m running straight across the minefield, dodging around people, charging through the cross fire. I keep my eyes glued to the little parachute as it meanders through the dangerous atmosphere. It looks far too innocent amid the showers of sparks.

  I chase it halfway across the field. When it’s only about fifteen feet off the ground, I see a boy aiming his Roman candle in the same direction.

  “No!” I shout. “Wait!”

  The boy turns his head and pivots his body just in time; the Roman candle’s projectile misses my parachute by several feet.

  I’m completely out of breath now. I slow to a stop and catch the parachute in midair. There’s a little cardboard tube attached to it, connected with thin white strings. The striped parachute wrinkles and deflates in my hands.

  “Hey!”